Staying At A Buddhist Monastery
An account of my stay at Anukampa Grove Bhikkhuni Monastery
From 02/04/2025 until 09/04/2025 I stayed at Anukampa Grove Bhikkhuni Monastery just five miles outside of Oxford. This is an account of my visit, but first I feel it’s important to have an overview as to what a Bhikkhuni is.
A Bhikkhuni is a fully ordained Buddhist nun in the Theravada school of Buddhism. That alone makes Anukampa Grove a one-of-a-kind truly special place in the UK. This may not sound like anything extraordinary until you research the topic a bit and gain a brief understanding of the inequality and overt patriarchal control structures within Buddhism. For context Anukampa Grove is the only monastery for Bhikkhunis practising Theravadin Buddhism in the UK and also this is the only place in the UK where woman wishing to be fully ordained can realise that. Another Theravadin monastery in the UK that a great many more people will be familiar with is Amaravati where the nuns are ten precept Siladharas and are not allowed to undertake full Bhikkhuni ordination. The reason for this? I don’t actually know of a concrete reason for it besides ties with Thai culture (in the case of the Thai Forest tradition) which should never be allowed to determine how Buddhism is practised anyway. I understand Thailand to be very patriarchal as a culture. The only other reason I’ve heard other than that is that there is no man or woman which to me sounds like spiritual bypassing at its finest. Surely if there is no man or woman, which in terms of ultimate reality there isn’t, then why is it such an issue for woman wishing to dedicate their lives fully to the practice of Buddhism but not a problem for men..? If Thailand doesn’t want Bhikkhunis that’s fine, but in no way should that rule ever be applicable outside of Thailand, and especially in western society. I feel a just do it anyway attitude towards this sort of thing is best and there have been people who have just done it anyway such as when Ajahn Brahm confirmed the ordination of four Bhikkhunis in 2009 and as a result Bodhinyana Buddhist monastery in Perth, Australia, was excommunicated as a branch monastery of Wat Pah Pong in Thailand. More about that can be found here Ajahn Brahm on why he was excommunicated | Sujato’s Blog Overall it’s a contentious issue with no real justification for it, only Thai culture (a form of conditioning) which as it applies to the equality of women and Bhikkhuni ordination doesn’t come across well at all in western society. This isn’t just a problem in the Theravadin school of Buddhism, the issue also alive and kicking in the Mahayana school too. Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo goes into great detail about the issues facing the ordination of women in the Mahayana school in the book Cave in the Snow. Because of the issues facing women in Buddhism this is just one of the reasons why Anukampa Grove is such a special place, and hopefully the start of something enormous in terms of correcting course when it comes to equality in Buddhist practise.
I decided to leave home at 7am on the day of arrival which from where I live in Suffolk, and given the traffic at that time of the day, meant it was a four-hour drive. Even though I don’t like driving, especially during the morning rush hour, I chose to drive there because it genuinely was the more convenient option all-round for me with public transport requiring about 6 hours of travel (a bus to my nearest town, a train to London, a train across London, a train from London, and then a bus or a taxi…). One thing that struck me almost immediately upon arrival was how silent the place is, in a good way of course. I’ve not ever been to a monastery or meditation centre that was noisy, but I now understand that there are degrees of silence. Anukampa Grove is particularly silent, even closing doors gently without applied mindfulness sounds like the door is being slammed. The location is beautiful, the garden is stunning, the trees in the garden are a work of art. This place is truly a lucky find for Venerable Canda & Co. May it serve everyone for many years to come. Everyone is very kind and welcoming, which is a relief after a stressful drive. When I had lunch I was shown to my room so I could rest. The afternoons are silent from 1pm until 6pm with 1pm until 2.30pm being strict silence and as little movement as possible encouraged. I used this as opportunity to catch on some sleep as I slept poorly the night before and then to meditate after. Only when I sat up to meditate did I truly start to realise the extent of the stress I’d been carrying around with me for months on end. Things have been interesting at home recently, there has been many external stresses placed on both myself and my boyfriend. Rather than meditate I found myself sobbing for the next twenty or so minutes about the state of recent times, the weight of which melted away from my neck and shoulders and left me feeling even more tired than I was to begin with now that I had started to let go of some of the burden.
The monastery is a converted house near Oxford
As the 2nd was a Wednesday it was Metta chanting and blessings in the Dhamma hall at 5.30pm, so in that regard silence was broken a little earlier. Metta, for those of you who may not know, is the Pali word that roughly translates to loving-kindness. Pali was the language of the Buddha. The Metta chanting session is on Zoom for those who are interested and be can found in the link along with other events both on Zoom and offline Events – Anukampa Bhikkhuni Project It just so happens that the Metta Sutta is one of my favourite chants, not that I’m well versed in chanting or suttas but that’s another story. The problem I find with thinking about who to send blessings to is that the list is never short and much like how I can write something long I can also come up an exhaustive list of whom to send blessings to so I always keep things short and easy when asked by others and say my nearest and dearest. Given how tired I was feeling I’m surprised that I made it through the evening group meditation at 7pm without falling asleep, but I did it. Needless to say I went to bed straight after. A combination of a new bed in a different place with no boyfriend made sleep a difficult topic for me, but as far as I know I managed to get some sleep at least anyway.
Morning meditation takes place every day at 5.45am in the Dhamma hall however I was told that if I was tired on the morning of the 3rd then it would be ok to miss it. I didn’t relish the idea of not joining the others for meditation, but when my alarm went off at 5.15am my body said no way so I stayed in bed a little longer and went down for breakfast at 7am. I’m not a huge fan of breakfast but when you’re living on 8 precepts, it does make you think about food choices more carefully. While I don’t deny breakfast was needed it was the cup of tea meant more to me even though I only really drink decaf! The eight precepts for those who don’t know are as follows:
1. Panatipata veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from destroying living creatures.
2. Adinnadana veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from taking that which is not given.
3. Abrahmacariya veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from sexual activity.
4. Musavada veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from incorrect speech.
5. Suramerayamajja pamadatthana veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from intoxicating drinks and drugs which lead to carelessness.
6. Vikalabhojana veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from eating at the forbidden time (i.e., after noon).
7. Nacca-gita-vadita-visukkadassana mala-gandha-vilepana-dharana-mandana-vibhusanathana veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from dancing, singing, music, going to see entertainments, wearing garlands, using perfumes, and beautifying the body with cosmetics.
8. Uccasayana-mahasayana veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from lying on a high or luxurious sleeping place.
When I mention about living on eight precepts the sixth precept is exactly as it says, usually that’ll mean not eating after solar noon, so no dinner in the evening. It does sound daunting for those who haven’t done it before or aren’t familiar with intermittent fasting, but actually it’s a doddle. To make things easier there are “allowables” that can be eaten in the afternoon, usually cheese and dark chocolate. If I can take an honest moment I was somewhat dreading the morning’s work meeting after breakfast. When reflecting on it I guess I was comparing it to Amaravati. Amaravati is enormous with lots of people coming and going at any one time. During my stay at Amaravati last year I spent my morning work periods in the kitchen. While I enjoyed it never realised that there could be so many onions to chop, so much cheese to grate, and so much washing up to do, at times it could feel quite intense. Even though the premise was to be mindful of what you were doing there’s roughly fifty to sixty people at that monastery at any given time so there’s a lot to be getting on with and the place needs to run like clockwork as a result. What I found was that Anukampa being considerably smaller, with only five of us there on the 3rd, things were much simpler. I felt it was a lot easier to be mindful of my tasks. Me and the other guest who was there peeled and juiced excess oranges and then after that I went about some remedial work on one of the vases of flowers on the alter in the Sala. This was after doing a morning check in with everyone and discussing where we’re all at individually, a lovely thing to do. The evening ended up being a long affair with Venerable Canda asking us for our thoughts and insights as to how the practises of Samatha and Vipassana work together as well as sharing some of her own. I found it to be very engaging. I’ve never actually done that well at small talk, if there was an award for it I wouldn’t be considered for such a thing, but when it comes to deep, thought-provoking topics I’m all for it. That being said, if I had to sum up Samatha and Vipassana I’m very of the thought the Samatha is trying not to get bored of the breath and Vipassana is trying not complain and about the aches and pains, particularly for beginners. At this point I’m going to throw people a curveball (and a rant) and say that I’ve never attended a Vipassana retreat. I’ve never felt the need to. The idea of sitting in one-hour sessions for up to ten hours per day over the course of ten days has zero appeal to me, I personally think it’s quite an extreme way of doing things. While I do believe in knuckling down and getting on with the job, I also think there is a more gentle and kind way to go about things than what’s offered at a Vipassana retreat. I understand that many people love Vipassana retreats, and it has many dedicated practitioners, but to me it sounds a bit like a meditation prison camp. Maybe one day I’ll see what the hype is about, but for now I’m fine. I also think it’s unwise to separate the practises of Samatha and Vipassana, they both support each other (rant over). My meditations start out as Vipassana, I can’t start with the breath otherwise all that happens is I try to control it and become more and more agitated in my practise. I take the body as my object and place focus on where it directs me to and I let the practise take me from there. The breath comes in when it’s ready. The experiences and insights we shared from that conversation are not something I really feel I could share with a monk, like that this is the importance of having a four-fold sangha that includes nuns too. As an aside, if you really want to hear the best of the best of Venerable Canda you’ll have to stay at Anukampa. The Zoom offerings are par excellence, but the deeper discussions are DEEP and they’re not what you’ll get on Zoom or YouTube, promise. If it’s the deeper discussions and answers you’re looking for you will not regret it!
When the second full day at Anukampa draws to an end I notice a feeling of something big starting to shift inside me. What that something is I literally have no idea and even writing this just over a week later I’m still not sure. As much as I love to delve into things and contemplate them I also believe that sometimes some things are best left unanswered. If I’m to know then I’ll know in due course. This shift that I could feel happening within me is a testament to the silence and stillness of the monastery, this isn’t something that likely would’ve happened in the confines of my home. During my time at Anukampa two very special guests who’ve both made a huge impact on me arrived. Some of life’s most amazing people arrive in the most unsuspecting packages. It’s understandable why we judge a book by its cover, first impressions genuinely do say a fair bit about a person, but time taken to get a to know someone a bit better says a lot more. On the evening of the 5th we settle into the Dhamma hall to listen to a talk by Ajahn Brahm. Unfortunately Ajahn Brahm’s physical self couldn’t be with us, Perth is a very long way away from Oxford to pop over for a talk, but he can be with us via audio recording on the Deeper Dhamma podcast. For many of us the chances are that we would’ve found Ajahn Brahm on the BSWA channel on YouTube. The impact of how gentle he comes across, and funny, don’t forget funny, in fact, especially funny for me, is a gateway for many of us into Theravadin Buddhism. That’s all well and good. Sometimes all you need is a gentle voice and a good laugh. On the Deeper Dhamma podcast however you get to hear Ajahn Brahm teach like how you’ll never hear on YouTube. The trademark gentleness is still there, so is the humour, but the deeper part of Deeper Dhamma is a slight understatement. Personally, I usually struggle with deep talks, but there is no struggle with Deeper Dhamma. Ajahn Brahm could talk about something incredibly boring such as algebra or politics and I’d be captivated by it. We listen to the talk meditatively. What words need to sink in do, and what words didn’t sink in will be there for me when the time is right. When I go to bed that night I have a few personal insights. In 2020 I very briefly toyed with the idea of ordaining, when I contemplated it I realised that it was with a view to run away from the life that I was living rather than moving in the direction of the life that I wanted. Externally those two things look to be one of the same thing, but on deeper inspection they’re opposite sides of the coin. Since then I’ve been crystal clear about not ordaining, I simply have no wish to, I like my lay life of art and writing. What I came to understand on the night of the 5th was how I need to be more diligent in integrating my spiritual practise with my life beyond it, it’s not overly wise for the two to be kept separate. Sleeping that night was by far the hardest night to sleep. I missed my boyfriend terribly, the separation anxiety was really getting to me. I recalled the commitment that I had made of staying for a week. Contemplation on the separation anxiety can be a great practise in and of itself. I realise that for me the 5th had been a challenging day. As the night wore on and become the small hours of the 6th an issue that I’ve been having with my stomach, or at least around that region started to flare up. By this point everything felt completely hopeless. I do what I know better than to do and check the time, 3am. I’m at my wit’s end, I’m clueless as to what to do about any of it, so I lay there in bed feeling like I’ve hit rock bottom and deeply disappointed in myself while rubbing my stomach hoping it’ll do something to help ease it. I have another insight in that I need to take the issues that I’ve been having more seriously, that I need to see a doctor about it again and ask to be taken more seriously this time. Then I have another insight that this isn’t something that’s been happening on and off, it’s something that’s been happening all the while in varying degrees over the last two years, I’ve only noticed it when it’s been bad. Does any of this make me feel better? Nope. Not one jot. As gruelling as it can be to admit, sometimes it’s not about feeling better but getting better at feeling. Certain things can only really be start to be understood when you feel like you can’t sink any lower.
During the work meeting check in on the 6th I mention about my stomach issues. I really don’t enjoy talking about these things, I don’t like talking about feelings that much either to be honest (scary…), but I was unable to play this one down. I couldn’t think straight for the pain I was in. Morning meditation was not pleasant at all, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball on the floor and cry because of the pain. When preparing breakfast afterwards I’m glad I knew where everything was, it was a saving grace of sorts! I hate to look weak and I hate to look useless. Don’t get me wrong, I have no issue with other people feeling “weak” or “useless”, that’s just life, but I find it incredibly difficult to allow it for myself. I don’t know if that’s something to do with being the eldest child or having a tendency to find myself in situations where I end up being the one to prop up everyone and everything, but that’s another topic for another time. The words of not feeling well fall out of my mouth without much thought (or grace likely) as to the execution of it from me. I’m not fond of the idea of potentially having to cut my visit short, but I have no wish to be in anyone’s way, the idea is gently rebuked by Venerable Canda. Truthfully, I want so badly to stay to Wednesday like I said I would. I’m told that I can go home whenever I want to, but if I want to stay then they would all love for me to stay. No one minds me being there. The experience of such a conversation makes me want to hide in a corner somewhere. While it obviously isn’t terrifying it feels it. There’s been so SO many situations in my life where rather than being met with compassion and understanding I’ve been met with exacerbated sighs of disbelief and outright scorn. To be met with such kindness in a room where I didn’t know anyone until mere days ago is a new thing for me and not one that I’m used to. I can put down the baggage and rest if you will. I don’t need to be strong for anyone or try unnecessarily hard for anyone, not anymore. I never had to either, but I was always scared of the consequences and for good reason. I didn’t understand that I could just walk away from people who wanted more from me than I could ever give or wanted that which I never had to give in the first place. That alone helps me to feel a little bit better. It makes me think of something that I read in Good? Bad? Who Knows? by Ajahn Brahm. There’s a short story about how if we cared for people instead of trying to cure them that it would be far more helpful to the ailed and probably cure them anyway. That’s not to say do away with your doctor, not at all, just to employ more of an attitude of caring. People, particularly employers (HR departments especially, I’m looking at you!!!), are very quick to pressure people to do XYZ to get better quick so they can carry on like nothing ever happened which in my experience increases the guilt and shame, making the situation worse.
Venerable Canda
After a failed attempt at rest I made myself a cup of tea and went out into the garden. Is tea good for unimpressed tummies? I don’t know. Either way, it’s decaf, and I do find great comfort in a cup of tea. After my cup of tea I decide to practise walking meditation. Walking meditation is sorely underrated as a practise, but it’s a brilliant practise nonetheless. If your knees won’t let you sit cross legged on the floor and you don’t like meditating in a chair, if you can’t meditate laying down because you fall asleep, if your mind is too agitated to sit, if you’ve got a problem that needs to be solved, if you’re feeling a bit stuffy and feel the need to move, or just because you want to, then walking meditation is wonderful. Today I’m practicing with the intention of taking my tummy for walk. A little gentle movement can be a good thing for many things, a natural painkiller if you will. In a way I feel somewhat like an animal that’s been set free and doesn’t know what to do with it. My garden at home is tiny, that’s not a bad thing because that makes it very easy to know where to walk and helps me to keep focus as nothing much changes scenery wise in such a small space. The garden here is HUGE, I feel lost in so much space so I find a spot over at the back to practise which is still many, many times bigger what I have at home. The weather here is at the moment is consistently about 3 degrees centigrade warmer than it is in Suffolk, that extra 3 degrees is very inviting so off come the shoes and socks. Grass on bare feet and between the toes is one of the loveliest feelings out there but only if it’s warm enough! While I walk up and down I can feel my tummy start to ease off a bit, being upright and mobile can be incredibly helpful for such things. As I moved into the afternoon I alternated between resting and practising. My body felt too agitated to rest however it wanted to sleep as soon as I meditated. Like that it was back to walking meditation in the garden to help find something of a workability between the agitation and sleepiness. Often when I meditate I tend to notice what wants to be noticed and leave well alone otherwise, however today would mark the start of having to take a more hands on approach to my practise for a bit. I took the time to visualise breathing a healing breath into my body and allowing it to go where needed to help ease the sore, hurting, and tired parts of me. Normally what happens when I try such things is that I end up getting very agitated and find myself ruminating instead of meditating, this time it felt right to help myself out a little bit more and it paid off. After that rest came to me a lot easier.
As mentioned before, living on 8 precepts in a Buddhist monastery means no evening meal. There are, however, allowables. Mostly this is dark chocolate and cheese. Frankly, there doesn’t seem be much reason as to what constitutes an allowable. I’m yet to be clued up or discover why dark chocolate and cheese are allowables but milk isn’t. It matters not though, this is what one commits to when they stay at a Buddhist monastery. As 6pm approaches my stomach starts ramping up its tricks again and as odd as it might sound a few pieces of dark chocolate and some cheese really do help it. What I’ve discovered since then is I can’t let my stomach be empty for too long. What I once mistook for hunger is actually a belly that needs food in it, not for hunger, but to keep it calm. It doesn’t need much, just a little something so it doesn’t stay empty for long overnight. It may not make that much sense, but dark chocolate and cheese helps to keep my digestive system reasonable enough until breakfast time. During the evening meditation I continue with what I worked on before, but this time sitting with others in a group. I let my body work on relaxing itself while breathing a healing breath into where it is needed. I send metta to the various parts of me as required. As for my body I don’t waste my time maintaining an upright spine, if it wants to slouch it can, to make it stay sitting up straight doesn’t seem like a fight worth having this evening. If I need to wiggle around, if I need to place a hand on my stomach and give it rub, if I need to roll my shoulders and stretch my neck, if I need to click my upper vertebrae then I do. Small things. Also a far cry from sitting still and just paying attention to these things. However, tonight this is what I need. I can feel twitching all over my body, but particularly in the chest, and upper and mid back area. When everyone else was finished I sat on for a bit longer so as to not rush my body’s processes that it had settled into. My body was deeply thankful for this. I ended the session with some gentle stretching and then made myself a herbal tea. My body was a far cry from fixed, but it was grateful for the time and care taken with it. Truly, we are not our bodies. It may sound strange, but if we treated our bodies like our beloved pets maybe they would be better rested and healthier? Care instead of cure and all that…
The 6th becomes the 7th and through the night, on and off, I practised the not much spoken about art of “beditation”. Kind of like meditation but laying down in bed with a view to going asleep. Even before coming to Anukampa I knew my stomach was always at its worst through the night and this holds true tonight. I drift in and out of sleep visualising comfort being given to my less than thrilled tummy. As the morning brightens it occurs to me that tomorrow, the 8th, is my last full day here. As challenging as things have been is every bit as much as I’ve loved it. The idea of going home only has a minimal appeal to me. I’m humbled at the genuine kindness and gentleness of the place. I always worry about these things being held over my head at a later date, such has been previous experiences for the most part for me, but not here. It’ll take a lot of adjusting to, I’m just not used to it. It’s not that people are inherently bad or evil, but most people do tend to be caught up in their own stressful worlds and lacking in love themselves to the point that such a thing can feel like a zero-sum game of who can force the other to serve them. Can it really be called kindness when it’s used to keep someone indebted to you? I don’t think so. For me the act of kindness is to give what you do because you can because you’ve genuinely got it to give without harming yourself. Kindness is a joy to give, not an I Owe You. Due to the lovely weather we sat outside for lunch. There’s something about the sunshine that has a way of bringing out the chatty and happy in everyone. I find that it invokes a feeling of togetherness too. I suppose this is why people enjoy eating out. In the evening we were given short notice of an impending visit from Venerable Dhammasami. I understand that for some people this would be something to awe them, not for me. The truth is that I’m not easily awed. This is major life lesson that I’ve learned, I also won’t deny that it’s slightly tinged with cynicism too. I believe hero worshipping to be a dangerous. As people we have this tendency to create an idea of an entire person based solely on what we know of them. I much prefer to get a feeling for the person in the flesh. My overall experience of most people, no matter how big the pedestal we put them on, is that they’re just normal people like any other normal person out there. That being said, the decent tea set and other quaint effects were brought out from their hiding places for use. Much care was taken with the placement of extra mats and cushions in the Sala. Did this all seem a bit like overkill? To me, yes. To others, I appreciate their point of view. To be honest, the swearing stomach and thumping headache wouldn’t have been bothered if the Buddha, Jesus, Mary Magdalene, St Germain, Sri Ramana Maharshi, Thich Nhat Hanh, and Ajahn Brahm walked in. What can I say? That’s just where I was at. This is precisely why I like to meet people in the flesh. The name and idea of someone doesn’t do it for me, I need more. That being said when Venerable Dhammasami sat down in the Sala and started talking it told me a lot about him as a Buddhist. This is someone with a vast depth of practise and then some. I found his words and the tone of his voice had a very healing effect on my ailments, that’s not an everyday skill that many people have. Such a thing is developed over many years of deep practise and understanding. I’m pretty sure no one would’ve minded me taking my leave and heading off to bed, however I felt it necessary to be there and to get to know this being in the capacity that it was being offered to me. I’m glad I did. I felt like I gained a lot from the experience. So, would I now be awed if Venerable Dhammasami turned up on my doorstep? No, of course not, but it would certainly be my pleasure to invite him in for a brew, some dark chocolate and a bit of cheese! After he left the stomach pain and headache returned almost immediately, rather than sticking around for the evening meditation I went to bed to beditate.
The 8th, Tuesday, was retreat day. This is a day of silence. I’d been really looking forward to this day when I found out it was a thing. No group practise in the morning. That’s okay. I sat up and meditated in bed instead. This was a truly lovely meditation, one of the only ones that I had while here. What happens when one is experiencing a truly lovely meditation..? Something always knocks them out of it, be it a loud noise from somewhere, or an end bell, etc. In this case it was the bell to say that it was breakfast time. Typical! In the kitchen was a box for depositing ones mobile phone. A great idea, one that I wish I knew the night before. After the breakfast I messaged my boyfriend about the situation so he wouldn’t think I’d vanished off the face the earth, switched the phone off and got rid of it until that night (it’s also my alarm clock). I spent the day alternating between sitting, walking, and resting. A day of silence doesn’t bother me at all. I do this frequently at home, I block out whole days to practise. I also spend a lot of time on my own too due to what I do as a writer and artist, this is normal for me even. I was initially worried that this would send me loopy, that my mind would be agitated and that I would end up with the usual intense physical pains that I get when I do these things, the type that stop as soon as you stop practising, but I didn’t. What I realised is that I don’t actually enjoy spending so much time on my own. The problem I have is that most people’s idea of spending time with someone is to talk a lot. I’m all for meaningful conversations, but I’ll be honest in that I find most talk to be pointless chatter, words just to fill emptiness. At Anukampa it’s normal to be with other people and not filling any space with pointless chatter, there’s time for conversations, plenty in fact, but silence is key. Because of this the conversations are a lot more meaningful. Here there is no such thing as an awkward silence, at least not that I experienced, and I’m grateful for it. I managed to get so into the day that a knot I forgot I had in my left shoulder melted away. It was a lovely feeling, one that left me aching a good few days after. It may sound strange to say, but we become accustomed to these things, I was so used to that knot that I forgot about it. My body didn’t know what to do without that knot being there, not that it now minds either. In the evening we all met in the Dhamma hall for a talk by Ajahn Brahm, even though it was from the Deeper Dhamma podcast his wit and humour when used was very on point in this one. When I make my way up to bed I feel a tinge of sadness knowing that this is my last night here. I thought by this point I would be eager to go home, to get in my car and whizz off down the road to Suffolk as soon as I possibly could, to all my worldly comforts. Wrong. The feeling that I had was one of knowing that I’ll have to pick up where I left off, that I have a to do list whether I want it or not, that stress doesn’t just vanish because it’s in another house, that I will have to face the music. I take a moment to think of ways I can make things a bit healthier and manageable for myself. In all fairness, these days I am my own slave driver and worst critic. Old habits die far too hard.
On the morning of the 9th my alarm goes off at the customary 5.15am. If there’s a reason I don’t like the clocks being messed around with every spring and autumn, one reason is this, it’s still dark. I’m all for early mornings, but dark to me feels like I should still be in bed. The changing of the clocks just isn’t needed anymore. Have you seen the equipment farmers use now? To me it looks like they get on just fine without the clocks being changed unnecessarily. As I take a moment to shake off the ‘it’s too early’ cobwebs I’m in a state of slight disbelief that in just over six hours’ time I will be leaving. I chose to leave at midday so that the roads are calm and I have some food in my belly, that works me. I head downstairs for group practise at the usual time. My meditations while here have mostly been deeply agitating and difficult in nature and this morning is no different. My mind starts to settle and then realises that it’s settled and then starts going around in circles again, anything not to settle. The aches and pains let me know they’re alive and well in spectacular fashion, gotta love ‘em. I feel fidgety too. I do my best to make myself as comfortable as I can when I first sit, however this is much easier said than done. Despite how the general public perceive meditation to be, and they’re not necessarily wrong, what a task it is sometimes. Mara takes its job very seriously indeed, do you? I’m not the only person leaving today, in a way that makes the day even more bittersweet. Partings are a fact of life though and it’s never been easier to keep in touch with someone. During the work meeting the other person who is leaving gave us all a note each, we are instructed not to look at the note until after he’s gone. I can’t say anything for anyone else, but I didn’t look at mine until after I unpacked when I got home. I won’t tell you what that note said other than it was very heart warming, I hope to find a frame for it at some point. After the work meeting I pack my belongings and tided the room I’d been sleeping in. It feels strange just how quickly a persons personal effects can disappear from a space making it seem like they were never there. Once this is done I head downstairs to the kitchen. Me and another guest are cooking today. Cooking isn’t a great joy for either of us, but it becomes much better when carried out together. We’re told that there are guests bringing food today so we don’t worry ourselves about preparing too much. As 11pm gets closer we wonder where the people who are meant to be bringing the day’s meal offering are. Lunch is supposed to be prepared by 11am and now it’s 10.45am. I rifle through the fridges and cupboards in the hope of finding something that can be prepared quickly or eaten cold. There doesn’t seem to be much there, not that can be ready in a speedy fashion anyway. We managed to clobber something together but to say it’s a meagre offering for only five people is accurate. Then, out of nowhere, at 10.50am two ladies appear having trekked their way over from Kent via public transport with plentiful offerings. At 10.55am two men appear with yet more offerings. Suddenly the kitchen is hectic, everything I’d hoped to avoid. By now there is an abundance of food offerings, but only one microwave to warm it all up and no time to use the oven. I don’t like microwaving food and I wasn’t proud of myself for heating up a vegan shepherd’s pie in the microwave but this was a needs must moment. It must be said that the two of us working in the kitchen did really well to coordinate the last-minute rush. What looked like there would be only a little food for the day become far more than what was needed. We was finished in the kitchen by about 11.15, so not too late given the circumstances. Honestly, it was nice to get out of there. Unless you really love cooking for others and you’re comfortable working in a commercial kitchen then no kitchen tends to be that much fun to be in when you’re the one preparing food, at least that’s the case for me. By now I have 45 minutes until I have to leave, well, I don’t have to leave at that time, I want to. Venerable Canda greets the guests and chants the blessing in the Sala before we head back into the kitchen to help ourselves to food. The idea of going home feels more real by the moment and with it grows a mixture of excitement and reluctance. I know that I will really miss this place. I choose to have a small bowl of food as I will be having dinner this evening with my boyfriend. I try to avoid talking too much to anyone as I’m serious about leaving when I said I would, it just makes everything more straightforward for me. I try not to wolf down my food, but if memory serves me correct then that’s what happened anyway. I dash upstairs to the bedroom I was staying in to check that I have actually packed everything, I confirm that I have and head back downstairs to start saying my goodbyes, the hard part. Big warm hugs all round for those who I spent the last week with, I don’t deny it’s been an interesting and not particularly easy journey, but it’s also been deeply insightful and a relief too. I know I will be returning here. When? I don’t know. Soon enough I hope, I really love this place and its people.
I get into the car hoping for a hassle-free drive home. Still being enamoured with silence, the only noise apart from the engine is Google maps showing me the way and traffic conditions, no music which is strange for me as I love listening to music. This time I just don’t want to fill the silence like that, I feel completely comfortable and at ease with myself. The drive home, thankfully, is uneventful and about 15 minutes quicker than expected. Cats are known for being fickle friends and all that. Meowie, my cat, who I was reliably informed had missed me while I’d been gone and had even been a bit depressed about it, greets me at the door for an entire three seconds before walking to the backdoor and telling me to let her out into the garden. I guess I know why she missed me now… My presence isn’t properly acknowledged until she’s smelled the flowers and sniffed the bushes. She goes about her normal routine of walking back in and heading to the kitchen when she realised that I am who I am, I’m there, and she turns around to hello to me properly. It only took her ten minutes. Cats. That is one of the reasons why I think they’re brilliant. My boyfriend has left water in the kettle to boil, a mug with a teabag in it, and an unopened carton of soya milk on the side for me, he’s at work. I love sweet little gestures such as that one. The suitcase and backpack are taken out of the car before I sit down, I know myself well enough to know that if I don’t do it now then I won’t do it until tomorrow which will really get on my nerves. Once that’s done I sit on the sofa with a mug of tea. I feel peaceful, truly. I know that life isn’t easy, it isn’t supposed to be, but I also know that for a brief while I found some kind of ease. I’m aware it probably didn’t sound easy, but actually in the grand scheme of things it was. Noticing yourself instead of tying to cancel yourself does bring about a sense of ease. Integrating with the world beyond Anukampa won’t be most pleasant thing ever, I know this, it will require changes from me in order to make it more manageable, changes which since I got home I’ve started implementing. When I reflect on it, last year Amaravati cleared the enormous artists block that had plagued me since the beginning of that year, what magic does Anukampa have in store for me? I’ll have to find out. These things don’t always happen immediately, they happen when they are ready.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this epically long post today!
Before you go learn more about Anukampa Bhikkhuni Project and Venerable Canda here
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Absolutely brilliant. Very insightful. 🥰✨🙏🏻✨💖
Just sent this to one of my friends who is exploring different types of Buddhism.